I m tired of this, I've never been this tired before

Many women have loved me
And I myself have loved more than one
Isn’t that why the dark F
Has accustomed me to whine?
Endless drunken night
And in reality not the first time
Melancholy
Isn’t that why my eyes are not
Like a worm through blue leaves
In the rain?
I dreamed of the rise
In the sky
And my way with life
No one’s betrayal pays me
And the victories don’t bring me joy
The golden hail of that hair